Week Three: Day One

The seagull situation remains under control but now the snail population seems to be multiplying exponentially. Happily, unlike birds, snails are quiet creatures, except when you step on them accidentally in the dark as I did last night. When that happens they emit a sound similar to the sound a giant armor-clad water bug might make while being crushed under the heel of a beet-and-sausage-fed Slavic housekeeper in the basement laundry room.

Being so extremely quiet and so extremely slow makes the humble snail -- despite its thick protective shell -- extremely easy to kill. Sad. I imagine one slithering along, whistling to itself, secure in the knowledge that Darwin has fitted it with a movable bomb shelter, an impenetrable body-helmet that nobody, not even the most dangerous "Oooh, I'm sooo scary and predatory" hawk or eagle, or whatever, could .... and then, crunch. Just like that. Gone. Poof, mid snail-thought and while whistling Singin' In The Rain. It's all over. Pulverized under the heel of an Ugly American out for a smoke in front of the rental flat.

Perhaps we can all learn a lesson from this, while we sit, safe and warm, typing on our laptop, happy and bloated with self-confidence, after a great Liar show, say, staring at our 4 stars, sipping wine and feeling that all's well with the wor...